I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
