I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
