I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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