So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
