Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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