Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
