Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
