My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
