Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
