grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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