She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
