i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize