You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
