My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
