I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
