the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
