i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
