I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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