I wannas sexs uuuuu
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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