none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
