My sheets look like a crime scene.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I just found puke in my bra..
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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