he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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