there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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