I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
