stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
