I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
