rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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