Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
