ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
