my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
