i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
