Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
someone get that fucking seahorse.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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