Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize