exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
