wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
barbara walters just said penis...
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
