I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
