I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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