We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
