Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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