I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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