Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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