I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
