Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize