Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Randomize
