I'll bet she douches with gravy.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
