Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
