I think I won the penis lottery.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
