haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
