I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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