Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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