Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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