I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Randomize