You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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