The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
