Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
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