we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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