She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
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