Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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