I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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