I think scott just propositioned me for sex
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
