We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
