I swear god or herbie drove my car home
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
