The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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