yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Randomize