Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
