maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
