Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
