Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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