So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
